Today I had to schedule a patient to come in so I can tell him he has lung cancer.
Within 5 minutes, I had a note on the computer from the daughter of a patient threatening to sue me if I can't get a sitter for her mother. I thought I'd just pull one out of my pocket and give it to her for free.
Then I had a lady with no prior medical problems that came in with swelling all over her body, sudden onset 10 days ago. She initially refused to go to the hospital, said she's ready to die (she's 50 years old). Said nobody loves her anyway and wouldn't miss her. She finally agreed to go when the doctor came in behind me and helped her put her shoes on and agreed to let her smoke a cigarette.
The next lady was crying and shaking saying her neighbor beat her up and it all started because the neighbor's son was driving a car through her muddy yard...whatever - get a grip!
I did a pap smear on a 65 year old lady who had never heard of pap smears...interesting....
I did a rectal exam on a man who enjoyed it way too much - giggled the whole time...
I had a patient who told me his nosebleeds stopped when he got his hair cut and if his hair grows back out, his nose will bleed.
Not tonight I have a headache.
A lady came to the front desk and asked for an order for her screamin' mannogram - she received a letter saying it was time for her yearly screening mammogram.
Here are couple of stories from a friend of mine who was married to a doctor: he told her that a man brought his wife's urine specimen in his office and gave it to the nurse for testing in the lab. His wife was standing beside him as he handed it to the nurse. The nurse ask. Is this urine? He said. No it is her'n.
When he was in med school he was doing rotations in clinical's. A huge black woman came into the clinic. She had broken ribs. The med student on call mummy wrapped her in 2 1/2 " white tape. When she came back for a check up the doctor took the tape off with acetone. She was wearing a polyester dress and panties. She did not take the dress off. It was pulled down around her waist. My x-husband forgot about her dress. He squirted more than enough acetone on the tape. It ran down her back and stomach onto her dress. Her dress and panties melted. He panicked. He went running back to the nurses station and began to tell his story. They took up a collection to buy her a new dress and a taxi fare home. They pinned two sheets together to get her out of the building. They gave her the money. She was supposed to wait for the taxi in the waiting room. She left the building with the sheets flapping in the breeze, her hinnie showing and flapping like the sheets. She refused to wait on the taxi she rode the city bus home. A few weeks later this woman was back with other problems. Guess who was on rotation that day? Doc. He stuck his head in the room and said. Haven't I seen you before. She said. Yo show Gawd has!!!
A man came in with an infected penis. He said the type of piercing was a "Prince Albert." I think he should have left Prince Albert in the can...what is WRONG with people???
When I worked ER, a man came in with a vibrator stuck in his rectum. When I listened to his lungs, all I could hear was "HUMMMMM". It was still on. He started rubbing his belly and grimacing and I asked him "are you in pain?" and he said "hell no, I'm trying to turn the d___ thing off." Then he said "I know one thing, I'm not messing from anybody from this town anymore." He refused to give us the phone number of a nearest relative; he said "if I die, I don't want you to call anybody - how embarassing to die from this."
A patient asked me if hypnosis would keep him from getting ingrown toenails. I thought no but it might keep you from asking stupid questions.
The nurse gave a patient a cup to collect a urine specimen and sent him into the bathroom with it. She told him to put it in the metal box behind the commode. After he had been there a while, she opened the box on the other side of the wall, in the lab, there he was with his penis in the box, trying to pee in the cup. This was definitely strange since he had to be standing on the toilet in order to reach that high. Sometimes you have to spell it out for people.